McMinnville Seventh-day Adventist Church

Crying, Coping & Confidence: Conflict Resolution

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his faults, just between the two of you. (Matthew 18:15 NIV)

Since the condition for God’s presence in Matthew 18:19-20 is that we meet together in Christ’s name, then unity together in Christ is key to oneness with Christ – and consequently our representation of Christ. Clearly, conflict resolution not only impacts our happiness, it impacts our effectiveness for eternity. Our lives are more Spirit-filled, more effective, when churches and members focus on settling differences, particularly prior to outreach or communion services – but it isn’t always easy.

Conflict resolution is a science – such an important science that we studied it ad nauseum in nursing school and again almost every year of employment since. Body language and tone makes up the largest portion of communication. Consequently, here is where a large number of assumptions, misconceptions, and misunderstandings materialize. If you learn and apply the following steps, you will not only be skilled in consoling angry, disappointed, and brokenhearted people, but you’ll also feel confident in resolving your own conflicts between others.

The initial focus acknowledges feelings, preserves dignity, and demonstrates the value of each individual in the relationship. Only then do we deal with the issues at hand, focusing on the problem and not the person, preventing recurrence without passing judgement or placing blame.

Steps to Conflict Resolution

1. Stop any activity: walking, driving, or working.

2. Protect your brother or sister in Christ by moving him or her to a private or semi-private place. Offer a Kleenex, or shirtsleeve, if tears are involved.

3. Being seated creates a more relaxed environment and relaxed emotions will likely follow. Always News & Notes from the McMinnville Seventh-day Adventist Church sit at a ninety-degree angle or less, leaning forward, not back, without crossing arms. Maintain intermittent but interested eye contact. “He who . . . fails to maintain a calm and trustful spirit robs God of His right to reveal in him His own perfection of character” (DA 301).

4. Begin by asking his or her perception of the event or situation. The entire equation may change once seen from their perspective. “Since you cannot discern motive . . . in criticizing him, you are passing sentence upon yourself; for you show that you are a participant with Satan, the accuser of the brethren” (DA 314). Asking their perception first glorifies God.

5. Even if their perspective isn’t exactly correct, it’s how they see the issue, so it feels very real to them. Now is the time to validate his or her feelings no matter who is at fault: “I’m sorry that you were hurt” or “how you feel makes sense to me now.” In this step, the issue isn’t who is right or wrong. Rather, the issue is “do you care about how I feel, even if I am wrong?”

Validating feelings is the easiest, yet the most effective element of conflict resolution, especially in marital disagreements, though it can and should be a part of any conflict.

6. When disappointment presents itself as anger, the gut reaction may be to say, "calm down." These words discredit feelings and the person, voiding any progress thus far. Effective conflict resolution requires not only skill but also great restraint – tact. Fine-tune your listening skills, validate feelings, and allow venting.

7. Once feelings are acknowledged and accepted by both parties, discussing who was at fault is counterproductive. Focus on the problem and not the person. You most likely don’t need to rehash the whole event. The most effective discussion will center around an acceptable plan to prevent making the same mistakes, focusing on any barriers as challenges to overcome rather than road blocks.

8. Pray together and then be each other’s most trusted confidant. Agree to neither believe nor acknowledge anything heard in rumor from this point forward. However, if you have discredited your brother or sister in Christ to anyone else, be sure to remove the disgrace you brought upon their name, without sharing details, or your resolution is not complete. A simple, “I now understand where they were coming from” should suffice.

When it comes to altercations between the genders, no matter the relationship, keep the following in mind: Mark Gungor says in Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, women can’t separate issues – everything plays into everything else. And per Mark, men . . . “just don’t care.” When feeling overwhelmed or unable to control circumstances around them, men get angry and women cry. It’s a different response for the same emotion – a feeling of loss, lack of security, and lack of being in control of their own life. Mutual respect develops when we demonstrate understanding by validating those feelings.

Non-violent crisis intervention or conflict resolution is a professional way to deal with any situation – the customer screaming obscenities, someone yelling in the church foyer, a suicidal person, or a little girl who ran away from home – all can benefit from any one of us gently taking control and appropriately leading the way. You may not be able to move them to another place, they may not need your shirtsleeve, and you may need to actually do for them what is in your power to accomplish, but in every situation, always pitch your voice at least one notch below theirs in tone and volume while being sure to acknowledging their feelings: "I’m sorry you are frustrated. How can I help?"

The wise Christian, businessman, father, husband, mother, friend, and family member who practices and refines these skills will be amazed at their power to fully and quickly resolve problems and strengthen relationships.

Christ said, "blessed are the peacemakers." He could have said, "blessed are skilled and loving communicators." There are few more rewarding skills in life, “for they shall be called the sons of God.”